Archive for the ‘Caregiver Support’ Category
Posted on April 21, 2011 - by Nurse Virginia
WHEN YOU ARE TAKING CARE OF THE DEMANDING ELDER A REAL CHANCE TO BE CHRIST LIKE – RE-VISITED
ONE OF THE MOST READ BOLGS ON THIS SITE – ONCE AGAIN FOR EASTER
The call light went off, and the argument started. “You go”,”No I went last time,” “You go,” and so it went every shift. Lois was a very demanding person to care for, once you went in that room you knew you wouldn’t be out for some time.
10 things to keep in mind when taking care of the demanding elder:
- Don’t take anything personally, it really isn’t about you. It is about a personality that was formed many years ago and isn’t going to change now. This is a wonderful opportunity to be Christ like in showing the elder patience.
- Get to know the elder, their likes and dislikes so you can meet their needs before they ask.
- Be the good listener the elder is looking for – this might not be the person you would chose to be special to – but the elder may surprise you.
- Give the demanding elder as much control in the everyday decisions as possible.
- Be a good observer; see if you can identify some of the triggers that cause the demanding behavior.
- Be very clear in your communication and don’t make promises you can’t keep.
- Think about your body language when you care for the elder. Are your expressions and body language saying – I can’t wait to get away from you?
- Smile, when you don’t feel like smiling. Find humor, tell a joke, laugh even if you are the only one laughing. Be happy, don’t let anyone take away your joy.
- Don’t expect changes you make to make a huge difference in the elder’s behavior. The only person you have the control to change is yourself.
- Pray. Take your problems to the one who is always there for you.
The demand doesn’t have to make sense. Lois asked everyone who came in her room to check the temperature. She had a piece of red tape at the exact point the heat/cool unit should be on. No one had a reason to change the temperature but that didn’t stop Lois from asking many times a day to check that temperature, to make sure no one had changed it.
How many times would be too many times for Jesus?
Virginia Garberding, R.N.
Author: Please Get To Know Me – Aging with Dignity and Relevance
Posted on March 24, 2011 - by Nurse Virginia
ARE YOU CARETAKING OR CAREGIVING – WHEN SOMEONE YOU LOVE HAS AN ADDICTION
(Book Excerpt)
Addiction. It’s a trial we’re never ready to encounter. We can’t believe that a loved one would make such a life-altering mistake by entering into the dark world of drug or alcohol addiction.
When people we love are struggling, we struggle as well. Sometimes we wish that we could fix their lives for them. But we also forget to care for our own needs, both physically and spiritually, during those difficult times.
Caretaking and Caregiving
I never thought of the difference between caretaking and caregiving. I was the former: I’m learning to be the latter.
Caretakers take over for others. They make the decisions. They control. They dominate. They also say, “I’m doing this for your own good,” and they believe their words.
As a caretaker, I felt anxious and guilty and tried to anticipate her needs before she asked. I didn’t mean to do all that. I wanted to help and to show I love her I never planned to take care of her like a nurse.
Caregivers offer their love and help but refuse to do for people what they can do for themselves. They accept responsibility for their own actions and refuse to cover up for a loved one. They support them as they struggle with how to live.
As a caregiver I’m learning to let her do for herself what only she can do. Then I support her decision.
God, You care without caretaking. Help me learn from your example.
Book excerpt from:
When Someone You Love Abuses Drugs or Alcohol, by Cecil Murphey
Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City, Kansas City, Missouri
Virginia Garberding, R.N.
Director of Education, The Wealshire, Lincolnshire, Illinois
Author: Please Get To Know Me – Aging with Dignity and Relevance
Posted on February 3, 2011 - by Nurse Virginia
GUILT THE GIFT THAT JUST KEEPS GIVING
If you really want to, you don’t have to go too far to find something to feel guilty about. Opportunities abound for all of us to heap loads of guilt on our plate of “guilty conscience.” Feeling guilty is reactive. Try to change your thinking and think about how you can be proactive in the situation.
Guilt Busters
- Don’t be such a perfectionist – perfectionists are destined to be disappointed. Do the best you can and learn to “Let go, Let God.”
- If you are a caregiver of a child or elder – don’t put unrealistic expectations on yourself. There are only so many hours in the day and some of that time needs to be spent on self-care for the caregiver as well.
- Get some physical exercise – it is a proven way to reduce stress. I remember a man who had a caregiver for his wife three days a week. During those times he went to the health club and worked out. His fitness goal was to take care of his wife as long as possible. Instead of feeling guilty because she was with a paid caregiver, this man saw the bigger picture, and saw the need to take care of himself.
- Find someone in your life who is a good listener. Not someone who has a pocketful of advice, but someone who can listen without judging.
- Be realistic. If the person you care for has a progressive and fatal condition, acknowledge that the disease will progress despite your best efforts. Stop concentration on “the cure” and make this moment better. Put your energy into “care and comfort” and take pride in what you do.
- Laughter is the best medicine and if the person you care for has Alzheimer’s disease they can be the best of companions. Where other people will stop and weigh what they say, the person with Alzheimer’s disease will usually share there first observation without reserve. Joining the person “in the moment” can be very relaxing and allow you to see the humor in many situations.
Virginia Garberding, R.N.
Director of Education, The Wealshire, Lincolnshire, Illinois
Author: Please Get To Know Me – Aging with Dignty and Relevance
Posted on December 6, 2010 - by Nurse Virginia
FIVE TRAITS THAT MAKE A CAREGIVER OR ANYONE ELSE GREAT
I just read an article called the 5 things that make a good nurse. In reading the list I realized these 5 things would be good traits in anyone, especially anyone caring for an elder.
5 – Traits that make a great caregiver:
1. Compassion – the ability to really see you’re elder and take action. Whether it is providing pain relief because you know the elder so well that you know when they are agitated they are in pain. Or the caregiver who realizes the elder is upset because they just can’t make any sense out of the environment or their situation, and the caregiver provides a comforting presence. The caregiver that realizes this isn’t what that elder wanted for themselves or expected in their life.
2. Empathy – The Oxford Dictionary defines sympathy as sorrow at someone else’s misfortune – however empathy is the ability to share and understand another’s feelings. I remember a day many years ago when I needed to “call-in” to work. Something I rarely did, but it was worth it for the words my Director of Nursing said to me that day that have stayed with me. When I explained that my arthritic knee was acting up to the point that I quite literally couldn’t stand, she said, “My knee hurts for yours.” That was empathy. Instead of saying “I’m so sorry you hurt, she said “I hurt for you.”
3. Selflessness – putting someone else and their concerns above your own. The private caregiver who just can’t go home on time because her elder isn’t doing well today. The caregiver who misses meals and hardly dashes away for a bathroom break.
4. Self-aware – knowing your strengths and weaknesses is important in a caregiver. No one is great at everything, knowing when you need to call for help doesn’t indicate weakness it shows self-awareness. Knowing when you need to step back and take a break is strength.
5. Thirst for knowledge – new ways to care for the elderly are discovered every day. Becoming part of a support group and attending educational opportunities to learn about new approaches for different disease processes, promotes better care. Sharing with other caregivers also rejuvenates the caregiver. A person who is always seeking new information is never a dull person.
Virginia Garberding, R.N.
Director of Education, The Wealshire, Lincolnshire, Illinois
Author: Please Get To Know Me – Aging with Dignity and Relevance
www.pleasegetoknowme.com
Posted on December 1, 2010 - by Nurse Virginia
THE BEST GIFTS FOR CAREGIVERS OF THE CONFUSED ELDERLY
Best Gifts for Family Caregivers
The best gift I can think of, is to give the gift of more help. The first step is to realize that you need help, and then get comfortable asking for it. A great resource for this is the book Share the Care – How to Organize a group to Care for Someone who is Seriously Ill (By: Cappy Capossela and Sheila Warnock, available at B&N, Amazon, and on their web site)
This book takes the reader by the hand in a step by step approach to building a support system. Included are all the forms you will need to identify those potential sources of help, how to educate and organize the helpers and record keeping forms.
Time is always the best gift
Give the family caregiver some time off, even if it means taking the confused elder for a respite stay in a nursing community. The time in the nursing community can be an opportunity for the nursing staff to do a complete nursing assessment and have a skilled therapy assessment. Many nursing communities have on staff Dentists, beauticians, Podiatrists, message therapists, as well as many other amenities.
While the caregiver is taking some well deserved time off, the elder also can enjoy some pampering in the Nursing facility. Nursing homes have complete beauty shops where all hair and finger nail needs can be met.
See blog: Respite Care – July 14th, 2009
Give yourself some well deserved credit
Take the time to re-evaluate your role as caregiver, and the blessings of the task that you have taken on.
See Blogs:
Blessings of Being a Caregiver – April 2nd, 2009
Whoever notices the caregiver pushing the wheelchair – June 28, 2009
Virginia Garberding, R.N.
Director of Education, The Wealshire, Lincolnshire, Illinois
Author: Please Get To Know Me – Aging with Dignity and Relevance
www.pleasegettoknowme.com
Posted on November 24, 2010 - by Nurse Virginia
WHEN THE CONFUSED ELDER PUTS THE CAREGIVER ON AN EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER-Why me God?
Why me God? Why did this happen to me? If you have ever asked this, read on.
While caring for her parent who suffers from delusions, a dear friend of mine has received so much comfort from this book that I want to share a chapter with you.
(Book excerpt)
At some point, most long-term caregivers ask the why question. It’s either “Why me, God? Or Why her?”
Isobel is typical. It took a long time before she realized her mother was suffering from a form of dementia similar to Alzheimer’s disease. Once the doctor’s named it, her question became, “Why my mother?” She cried and wept over the painful situation. Her mother had suffered so much that it just didn’t seem fair.
Eventually, it became obvious that her mother could no longer live alone. Isobel and Paul took care of her for the next four and a half years. Isobel’s mother became increasingly difficult to care for. Although she was demanding and manipulative, there was no question of not keeping her or of putting her in a nursing facility.
During this time, Isobel often asked, “Why me, God?”
Isobel isn’t alone. At some point in the midst of their pain and deep agony, most caregivers ask, “Why, God? “Why?’
As a former pastor, I realized long ago that Why? May not be the real question.
The worst response I ever heard came from a man at a funeral home. A thirty-nine-year-old mother had died. Her husband couldn’t stop weeping. I was there when he asked, “Why? Why did it have to be her? Why couldn’t it have been me?”
The husband’s friend resorted to reason and explained that life isn’t always fair, and that sometimes good people have to suffer as much or more than the wicked. He droned on and even talked about his slain buddies in the Vietnam War.
The bereaved man stopped crying, but I don’t think it was because of any of his friend’s answers. The lecture-and it really was one-made him feel stupid and selfish for wanting his wife.
Why? May need to be asked-and even encouraged-but it doesn’t have to be answered. Even if we had an answer, would it make a difference? Even if God whispered the reason behind the illness, would it change anything? Probably not.
The long-term caregiver still has the burden. The parent is still ill, and the child is still caring.
If Why? isn’t the real question we need answered, what are we really seeking? For each person, the pain behind the question may be quite different.
For one, the inner voice may be pleading, “God, assure me that you’re with me. Help me know you care.” To another, the question may be prompted by fears of inadequacy to cope.
Some find the question difficult to ask, as if they are demanding God to become accountable. Others are ashamed for being weak enough to ask.
I’ve learned one thing from this question. It’s wonderfully freeing to ask. Those who have wept and asked repeatedly have told me that they often found relief-perhaps not peace, but some rest from the turmoil-by simply asking the question aloud and allowing their hearts to speak the anguish they feel.
Book excerpt from: my parents, my children – Spiritual Help for Caregivers by Cecil Murphey
Published: Westminster John Knox Press, Louisville, Kentucky
The day after my friend started reading this book. She came to me with a smile on her face and told me how much this book was helping her. It was just the help she need at the time she needed it.
Virginia Garberding, R.N.
Director of Education, The Wealshire, Lincolnshire, Illinois
Author: Please Get To Know Me – Aging with Dignity and Relevance
www.pleasegettoknowme.com
Posted on October 7, 2010 - by Nurse Virginia
COMMUNICATION – WHEN THE NEWS ABOUT THE AGING ELDER IS BAD – YOUR WORDS CAN MEAN COMFORT
Words are cheap – words of comfort and reassurance – not so much.
“I feel deceived,” the daughter said. She was having a hard time hearing how her mother’s condition was deteriorating. The daughter had somehow expected the nursing facility to keep her mother in what – a holding pattern? Its’ difficult for everyone to see their parent age, that person who was once so strong and took care of you, that person who stands between you and the realization that you are also aging.
Sometimes just validating what the son or daughter has done will help. “You really are a good daughter, you take such good care of your mom, and I see you here all the time.” These warm words can be repeated in the hearer’s mind over and over giving comfort long after you have forgotten you ever said them. It costs you nothing to give that “gift” to a troubled son or daughter.
The healthcare professional could have taken the daughter’s words personally after all “deceived” is a strong. and yes hurtful word. But when you are a caregiver the elder isn’t your only concern. You need to be there for the whole family, it’s a package deal.
As the aging elder needs more support to eat, to turn in bed, to keep clean the family also needs more support. In healthcare we see this deterioration all the time, sometimes at an amazing speed where within months the elder’s condition deteriorates dramatically.
Life is change, and when the change is not for the better, the best you can do is show compassion.
Virginia Garberding, R.N.
Director of Education, The Wealshire, Lincolnshire, Illinois
Author: Please Get To Know Me – Aging with Dignity and Relevance
www.pleasegettoknowme.com
Posted on June 24, 2010 - by Nurse Virginia
NEWSWEEK ARTICLE GETS CAREGIVING FOR THE ELDERLY RIGHT
Newsweek June 28 & July 5, 2010, has the best article I have read for sometime on caregiving called The Caregiver Boomerang by Gail Sheehy author of ‘Passages.’
Excerpts from article:
Nearly 50 million Americans are taking are of an adult who used to be independent.
It starts with The Call. It’s a call about a fall. Your mom has had a stroke. Or it’s a call about your dad-he’s run a red light and hit someone, again, but how are you going to persuade him to stop driving?
This is a caregiving role that nobody applies for. You don’t expect it. You aren’t trained for it. And, of course you won’t be paid for it. You won’t even identify yourself as a caregiver.
Brothers bury their heads in the sand. The farther away a sister lives, the more certain she will call the primary caregiver and tell her she doesn’t know what she’s doing.
Ailing elders seldom say thank you. On the contrary, they often put up fierce resistance to the caregiver’s efforts.
Once the solitary caregiver gets so stressed out emotionally that her own health declines, she can no longer provide the care. The only option left is to place the family member in a nursing home-the last choice of everybody, the most expensive for taxpayers, and guaranteed to leave the caregiver burdened with guilt.
Right, right and right again. The author touches on the physical tool of care giving, but then Gail goes on to give the reader what she calls “survival strategies.” Her strategies again are right on and worth while taking a look.
See blog for more resources: Caregiver Support
Virginia Garberding, R.N.
Director of Education, The Wealshire, Lincolnshire
Author: Please Get To Know Me – Aging with Dignity and Relevance
www.pleasegettoknowme.com
Posted on April 21, 2010 - by Nurse Virginia
ELDERLY WITH MEMORY LOSS NEED CAREGIVER WITH SENSE OF HUMOR
No one could remember what they ordered and the waitress was getting impatient
They were five for lunch, four elderly ladies with significant memory loss and their caregiver. The caregiver read the menu and ordering went just fine. Chicken salad, BLT sandwich with fries a cheeseburger, all the usual lunch at the diner orders. The problem came when the waitress returned with the order and said “Who ordered the BLT with fries,” and no one remembered.
At first there was an awkward moment while the group was feeling some pressure from the waitress to claim their meals. Then the caregiver started to giggle and pretty soon all the ladies were giggling and then laughing out loud. A moment that could have been difficult, hurtful and embarrassing was not only averted, but turned into a comfortable bonding moment for the group. Even the ladies who did not realize what the “joke” was, could join in the laughter of the group at the table.
The significant person in this scenario was the thoughtful and aware caregiver. The giggle was the cue to the ladies that, we aren’t going to take this too seriously. The giggle said to the ladies “No harm done, if this is the worst thing that happens today, what a great day.” And all the ladies were looking to the caregiver for many cues that day in the diner. Cues can come in the form of smiling while you engage in pleasant table conversation. Cues can be related to dining and the right utensils to use and where to put your napkin. But the cue the elder with memory loss needs the most, is how to react when something goes wrong.
Laughter is said to be a great “self-care tool” for caregivers
The role of caregiver is so difficult that a caregiver with a great sense of humor will be less stressed by the little things. Laughter can fight off the effects of stress and create a more positive attitude towards life. As an unknown author once said:
“To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that’s ok because you’ll be a mile away from him and you’ll have his shoes.”
Virginia Garberding, R.N.
Director of Education, The Wealshire, Lincolnshire, Illinois
Author: Please Get To Know Me – Aging with Dignity and Relevance
Posted on February 3, 2010 - by Nurse Virginia
THE ELDER WITH ALZHIEMER’S DISEASE NEEDS A CAREGIVER WITH PATIENCE MORE THAN ANYTHING
When working with someone with dementia, patience is a must
Shirley was a thirty-five year old career caregiver, helping a patient re-learn to walk and build strength. The patient was an elderly woman with Alzheimer’s disease and a new hip replacement. This was the woman’s third try at a successful surgery and outcome. Her son was wondering out loud if they should have even tried again.
While Shirley was encouraging her patient to “take just one more step”, on the parallel bars. The confused patient was yelling, cursing and spitting on Shirley. Spitting in Shirley’s hair, on her clothes, while Shirley just kept giving her patient more words of encouragement.
Knowing the family and how important this was to them and the patient, made it just that important to Shirley.
It takes special people to work with the confused elderly population
Is this for you?
Ask yourself, if always being right, is important to you, you may not want to work with someone with Alzheimer’s disease. They often think they are right too.
If you are a nervous person and you know, hearing someone call out “help me, I’m falling” over and over all day long, (even when you know they are safe and not falling) will drive you crazy. You may not be cut out to be a caregiver for an elder with Alzheimer’s disease.
If you are known for getting things done fast and right. Taking care of someone who is in the moment, and sees no reason to hurry and thinks they are already doing it right. This work might not be for you.
The right person for the special job
If you are like Shirley, a person who always puts the patient’s best interest before her own. A person who will take the time to listen to the same story over and over. A caregiver who never tires of reassuring a confused elder that they are safe and not falling. Then you are one of the “special people.”
Virginia Garberding, R.N.
Director of Education, The Wealshire, Lincolnshire, Illinois
Author: Please Get To Know Me – Aging with Dignity and Relevance
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www.pleasegettoknowme.com
