Archive for March 26th, 2010

Posted on March 26, 2010 - by Nurse Virginia

GRIEF-WHEN LIFE CHANGES IN A MOMENT AND WILL NEVER BE THE SAME

I dedicate this blog to my niece Debby who is trying to “hold things together”, following the accident causing her husband Mike’s extensive burns.

Book excerpt:

For days after Liz’s husband, Davey, died, it seemed all anyone could say to Liz was, “What can I do for you?”

If only they had realized that she had no idea what she needed. If I don’t know what to do for myself, she thought, how can I know what you can do for me? She admitted that there were times she barely even knew her own name, much less what someone else could do for her.

Even though her friends and family meant well, their questions became a constant reminder of how lost she felt within herself during this time of insumountable grief. Instead of asking what they could do for her, Liz realized that she needed someone to help her figure out what she did need and how friends and loved ones could help. “I wanted someone to say, ‘Here is how I can help you.’ I wanted someone to take over my life, to get inside my head and help me know what I needed,”

Liz wanted to mourn, but with all that needed to be done, this was becoming increasingly difficult to do. What she really wanted was her husband back. She wanted her life back the way it was before the accident. But the one thing she knew she wanted was the one thing no one could give her.

In looking back, Liz realizes her friends and loved ones only wanted to help but really didn’t know how to, which made them feel inadequate. They cared deeply and tried to express in their own way their kindness and sympathy. Perhaps asking her what they could do made them feel as if they had at least tried and somehow helped her.

By contrast, two days after she buried Davey, she had a rare period of quiet time. She felt totally vulnerable, and fear filled her mind. What will I do without Davey? How can I raise two children on my own? Who will take care of me? Tears rolled down her cheeks.

A dear friend was in the other room and must have heard her crying. She came to her side and took her hand. The friend spoke one sentence to her. She said, “I’ll pray for you.” Just one sentence-and she had no idea what that did for Liz.

That one thing-that one simple thing-was the first true healing moment in Liz’s recovery.

The friend didn’t ask if she could pray. She just did it. Liz hardly heard the words, but her emotions surfaced, and she felt as if her soul had been poured out. When the friend had finished praying, Liz said it was as if her tears had washed away all the immediate pain. “I couldn’t even whisper a word of thanks. All energy had been drained from my body. I was at peace for the first time in days.”

Liz knew there would be other days with more pain and more tears, but none like that one. On that day Liz learned an invaluable lesson: When people are grieving, they rarely know what they want or need.

Perhaps you’re where Liz was that day. Your friends obstruct your grief by asking questions you can’t answer. If only they would trust their instincts and do what they know they can do-like Liz’s friend. She did that one simple, yet powerful, thing and brought peace in the midst of grief-she prayed.

Excerpt from my dear friend and mentor’s new book:

Words of Comfort for Times of Loss by Cecil Murphey and Liz Allison

Harvest House Publishers – www.harvesthousepublishers.com

Virginia Garberding, R.N.

Author: Please Get to Know Me – Aging with Dignity and Relevance

with New York Times Best Selling author, Cecil Murphey

www.pleasegettoknowme.com